will you love me until the bitter end?

when my bones are broken and my words have failed me?

will you still remember the way I looked on the first night you saw me?

when I have lost my mind, and not because of the poetry or the rhyme scheme, but because dementia will take me down and I may forget you

will you always promise to hold me close?

on days when I can’t stand to look at your face or hear your voice – and there will be days, oh, I promise you, there will be days.

will you call out for me in the middle of the night when you are laying next to her?

because everything we dreamed, is for dreaming.

we don’t wake up next to each other anymore

but I still feel the weight of your soul on my pillow

I was thinking about certain things today and how so much has changed over the years. How I am not the person I was once. I am in no way saying that is a bad thing. I am proud of the woman I have become. I have been through a lot, just like everyone else has. But where I once was quiet about certain things, I am no longer quiet. I do not feel that it does anyone any good to remain quiet and let people walk all over us or make us feel bad about ourselves. I know I have been this person for others. I am not blind to that fact – I am hyper self-aware of who I am, what I have done. But all of those things do not make me a bad person. I learned a lot from the mistakes I have made; with allowing people to hurt me and take advantage of me. This isn’t just about that onethat I have written about in the past, but with supposed friends as well. People are incredibly selfish. Myself included.

There are times, not as often these days and on very rare occasions when it comes up and I am paralyzed by it, when I wish things would have been different. I wish that I could go back and change things. Had I known everything that I know now, maybe I wouldn’t have spent all that time on someone who never truly valued me or saw me as a human being. But then again, sometimes I want to go back, just to feel that feeling one more time. Not the bad feelings, but the very few good ones. Then I think, you know what, I don’t need to do that. It’s kind of a morbid thing, isn’t it. To replay old memories like a slide show in your mind. Only to realize that not only is the end unhappy, but it makes you mad all over again.

And that’s when I realized that I needed to forgive myself. Forgive myself for not only the things that I allowed to happen, forgive myself for lying to myself, but also forgive myself for the countless mistakes I have made along the way. Because to keep replaying those, I just keep punishing myself for things that have already happened. What’s done is done and I cannot undo it. Like I have written before on another blog, just because ONE person did not love me, that does not mean that I am unlovable or worth fighting for or worth truly knowing.

I think it takes a lot of time to truly get to know someone. I, myself, find out new things about who I am and what I am capable of every single day. I think you just have to know that you are worth knowing and worth finding and keeping. It takes a lot to get to that point, and there are some days that I still struggle with that.

Life is what you make of it, you know? I used to think that I was more interesting if I was somehow damaged or broken. That’s so stupid. So stupid. Yes, the things I have gone through have been instrumental to my growth, and have taught me many valuable and worthwhile lessons. But the idea that I am broken, is ridiculous. Yes, I have been hurt, as we all have. Yes, I have put those broken pieces back together differently. But that’s how it is supposed to be, right? You put those pieces together so that a new you rises and emerges from the flames. Not to make you bitter, possibly to make you better. More like, to make you the most authentic version of yourself. Because when you have gone through a lot, when your soul has been stripped naked and left bare – the vulnerability makes you human. Your mistakes make you human. It means that you have lived. You have loved. I do not regret loving the people I have loved. Because honestly, I loved them with everything I had. I regret that it took me too long to realize that I deserved to be loved and appreciated right back. That I deserved the love that I was giving. Again, it’s still a weird notion to me. I am used to things being far more difficult than they need to be. But my goodness am I learning. Learning to let go. Learning to love myself enough to forgive myself. Learning to let situations be what they were meant to be and not what I would have liked them to be. I am loved. Even on days when I do not believe it. And so is everyone else. I am light. Even when I am the villain in people’s stories. I am honest, even when people think I lie. I am just me. In all of my complexities and weirdness and misunderstandings. And that is all I know how to be. I don’t know how to be anyone or anything else. I am worthy and enough – even when my soul is stripped naked and left bare.

Untitled Free Writing

The world turns upside down and topsy turvy motions that make life seem much too much. 

And you glide through the darkness on your knees – not knowing when will be the last time – or if there ever will be a “last time”

Marking skins with memories and wishing ocean breezes left sound waves in your hair

Be the Song

Him: the only thing that’s difficult about you, is when you shut down. You cocoon yourself and you don’t let anyone in. that’s hard. not because I feel like I’m losing you, but because I know there is nothing I can do to help you. Because you’re trying to save yourself. You never let anyone in to try to save you.



The Purple Lotus Flower – Tattoos and New Beginnings

Among all the lotus flowers the purple lotus flower is considered one of the most beautiful and very sacred. The purple lotus flower is so special because it is rare and distinctive. The unique purple lotus flower is found in many parts of India. The reason for the purple lotus being a scared flower is its condition of growth.

The lotus flower represents all that man desires to achieve; it is the metaphysical representation of the heights of human consciousness. The purple lotus flower germinates at the bottom of a muddy, filthy pond and is surrounded by muck. However with time the lotus blossoms and raises its beautiful pure head above all the filth. The lotus blooms as a beautiful flower away from the dirt turning its face towards the light. This is the spiritual height at which all of mankind wants to reach. To live within this real world, yet remain detached from all its evils is what a human being strives to achieve.

In India the Hindu Goddess of wealth Laxmi is seated on a sacred purple lotus flower. In some esoteric sects the eight petals of the lotus represent the noble eight fold path. The purple lotus flower is known as the mystic lotus. Apart from its spiritual connotations, the lotus bed and stems are used as edible items in many cultures. All these religious and spiritual symbolisms make it a popular design for tattoos. The purple lotus flower has a beautiful mild fragrance; all this in combination make the purple lotus flower spectacular.



There is no right way to breathe – you just let go

There is no right way to breathe – you just let go


I always had that idea that because of certain situations in my life, I was broken and I learned to accept this idea. But maybe, maybe I’m not broken. And that is such an interesting revelation for me. Maybe it just came down to being broken hearted and holding onto that pain of being broken hearted, which lead me to believe that I was broken. I am gently learning to have a bit more compassion for myself. I’ve always been (somewhat) good at showing it to others – even when they cannot see that. I beat myself up over situations that really weren’t my fault. I take on people’s pain because, well, that’s just what I have done. I took on their mistakes and blamed myself… “had they not met me, this or that may not have happened.” I know, that sounds ridiculous and it seems that I give myself more power than I deserve. But that’s just how I have felt. And here’s another thing I am learning – what other people do, other people’s mistakes are their own doing, they are not because of me, they are not my fault. Only I am responsible for the things I have done. And to be honest, I have made a lot of mistakes. I have gotten involved with things that were none of my business because, well, because it even though it was hard to hear what was going on, I felt like I needed to defend my honor and tell my truth. That’s what we do, right? We do our best to tell our truths. Your (whoever you are, now) truth is not my truth, just like my truth is not your truth. We all see the world and the people in it differently and we all have experiences that have shaped and changed us into the people we are today. Some of those people have been friends, romantic relationships. Some of those people are people we should have never been involved with or attached to in the first place. But they all teach us something, don’t they? The universe sends us people on purpose. And they will keep sending the same people (or not) or the same lessons over and over again until we have finally passed that test. Believe me, I have been sent the same test over and over and over again and I have failed just as many times. It’s still a learning curve for me. It’s still a day to day process to love myself enough to say and fuck, believe, “this is what I deserve.” I am a passionate person and some people mistake that for brokenness or being naive. I am who I am. And I cannot hate the experiences that have shaped me into the woman I am today. I am not perfect. Not by a long shot and I had long given up the idea that I need to be perfect. I do not have a heart of gold. I do not think anyone does. I think that’s a very dangerous analogy for anyone. Because it does not allow room to make mistakes. And then when people keep telling you that you have this heart of gold and you disappoint them, what then? What are you left with? You feel you have let them down. And then in turn you feel that you let yourself down.

I guess, what I am saying is this… it’s okay to walk away from people who are not helping you grow, or loving you enough (or at all). You are allowed to change your mind and live and love in your truth. We get this one life, and I choose to live it believing that letting go and making way for something more, something better, something just much much more, is always on the horizon. You are not inclined to be the same person you were yesterday.