will you love me until the bitter end?

when my bones are broken and my words have failed me?

will you still remember the way I looked on the first night you saw me?

when I have lost my mind, and not because of the poetry or the rhyme scheme, but because dementia will take me down and I may forget you

will you always promise to hold me close?

on days when I can’t stand to look at your face or hear your voice – and there will be days, oh, I promise you, there will be days.

will you call out for me in the middle of the night when you are laying next to her?

because everything we dreamed, is for dreaming.

we don’t wake up next to each other anymore

but I still feel the weight of your soul on my pillow

I was thinking about certain things today and how so much has changed over the years. How I am not the person I was once. I am in no way saying that is a bad thing. I am proud of the woman I have become. I have been through a lot, just like everyone else has. But where I once was quiet about certain things, I am no longer quiet. I do not feel that it does anyone any good to remain quiet and let people walk all over us or make us feel bad about ourselves. I know I have been this person for others. I am not blind to that fact – I am hyper self-aware of who I am, what I have done. But all of those things do not make me a bad person. I learned a lot from the mistakes I have made; with allowing people to hurt me and take advantage of me. This isn’t just about that onethat I have written about in the past, but with supposed friends as well. People are incredibly selfish. Myself included.

There are times, not as often these days and on very rare occasions when it comes up and I am paralyzed by it, when I wish things would have been different. I wish that I could go back and change things. Had I known everything that I know now, maybe I wouldn’t have spent all that time on someone who never truly valued me or saw me as a human being. But then again, sometimes I want to go back, just to feel that feeling one more time. Not the bad feelings, but the very few good ones. Then I think, you know what, I don’t need to do that. It’s kind of a morbid thing, isn’t it. To replay old memories like a slide show in your mind. Only to realize that not only is the end unhappy, but it makes you mad all over again.

And that’s when I realized that I needed to forgive myself. Forgive myself for not only the things that I allowed to happen, forgive myself for lying to myself, but also forgive myself for the countless mistakes I have made along the way. Because to keep replaying those, I just keep punishing myself for things that have already happened. What’s done is done and I cannot undo it. Like I have written before on another blog, just because ONE person did not love me, that does not mean that I am unlovable or worth fighting for or worth truly knowing.

I think it takes a lot of time to truly get to know someone. I, myself, find out new things about who I am and what I am capable of every single day. I think you just have to know that you are worth knowing and worth finding and keeping. It takes a lot to get to that point, and there are some days that I still struggle with that.

Life is what you make of it, you know? I used to think that I was more interesting if I was somehow damaged or broken. That’s so stupid. So stupid. Yes, the things I have gone through have been instrumental to my growth, and have taught me many valuable and worthwhile lessons. But the idea that I am broken, is ridiculous. Yes, I have been hurt, as we all have. Yes, I have put those broken pieces back together differently. But that’s how it is supposed to be, right? You put those pieces together so that a new you rises and emerges from the flames. Not to make you bitter, possibly to make you better. More like, to make you the most authentic version of yourself. Because when you have gone through a lot, when your soul has been stripped naked and left bare – the vulnerability makes you human. Your mistakes make you human. It means that you have lived. You have loved. I do not regret loving the people I have loved. Because honestly, I loved them with everything I had. I regret that it took me too long to realize that I deserved to be loved and appreciated right back. That I deserved the love that I was giving. Again, it’s still a weird notion to me. I am used to things being far more difficult than they need to be. But my goodness am I learning. Learning to let go. Learning to love myself enough to forgive myself. Learning to let situations be what they were meant to be and not what I would have liked them to be. I am loved. Even on days when I do not believe it. And so is everyone else. I am light. Even when I am the villain in people’s stories. I am honest, even when people think I lie. I am just me. In all of my complexities and weirdness and misunderstandings. And that is all I know how to be. I don’t know how to be anyone or anything else. I am worthy and enough – even when my soul is stripped naked and left bare.

Past

my past is my past

and I do not apologize for one single second of the loves and losses I have faced

so if you come here in the mad hope that you will find me curled up in a ball, lamenting over the things and people I have lost,

turn back now

I always burned too bright for those who did not have the courage to run their fingers through my soul and stay