I was thinking about certain things today and how so much has changed over the years. How I am not the person I was once. I am in no way saying that is a bad thing. I am proud of the woman I have become. I have been through a lot, just like everyone else has. But where I once was quiet about certain things, I am no longer quiet. I do not feel that it does anyone any good to remain quiet and let people walk all over us or make us feel bad about ourselves. I know I have been this person for others. I am not blind to that fact – I am hyper self-aware of who I am, what I have done. But all of those things do not make me a bad person. I learned a lot from the mistakes I have made; with allowing people to hurt me and take advantage of me. This isn’t just about that onethat I have written about in the past, but with supposed friends as well. People are incredibly selfish. Myself included.

There are times, not as often these days and on very rare occasions when it comes up and I am paralyzed by it, when I wish things would have been different. I wish that I could go back and change things. Had I known everything that I know now, maybe I wouldn’t have spent all that time on someone who never truly valued me or saw me as a human being. But then again, sometimes I want to go back, just to feel that feeling one more time. Not the bad feelings, but the very few good ones. Then I think, you know what, I don’t need to do that. It’s kind of a morbid thing, isn’t it. To replay old memories like a slide show in your mind. Only to realize that not only is the end unhappy, but it makes you mad all over again.

And that’s when I realized that I needed to forgive myself. Forgive myself for not only the things that I allowed to happen, forgive myself for lying to myself, but also forgive myself for the countless mistakes I have made along the way. Because to keep replaying those, I just keep punishing myself for things that have already happened. What’s done is done and I cannot undo it. Like I have written before on another blog, just because ONE person did not love me, that does not mean that I am unlovable or worth fighting for or worth truly knowing.

I think it takes a lot of time to truly get to know someone. I, myself, find out new things about who I am and what I am capable of every single day. I think you just have to know that you are worth knowing and worth finding and keeping. It takes a lot to get to that point, and there are some days that I still struggle with that.

Life is what you make of it, you know? I used to think that I was more interesting if I was somehow damaged or broken. That’s so stupid. So stupid. Yes, the things I have gone through have been instrumental to my growth, and have taught me many valuable and worthwhile lessons. But the idea that I am broken, is ridiculous. Yes, I have been hurt, as we all have. Yes, I have put those broken pieces back together differently. But that’s how it is supposed to be, right? You put those pieces together so that a new you rises and emerges from the flames. Not to make you bitter, possibly to make you better. More like, to make you the most authentic version of yourself. Because when you have gone through a lot, when your soul has been stripped naked and left bare – the vulnerability makes you human. Your mistakes make you human. It means that you have lived. You have loved. I do not regret loving the people I have loved. Because honestly, I loved them with everything I had. I regret that it took me too long to realize that I deserved to be loved and appreciated right back. That I deserved the love that I was giving. Again, it’s still a weird notion to me. I am used to things being far more difficult than they need to be. But my goodness am I learning. Learning to let go. Learning to love myself enough to forgive myself. Learning to let situations be what they were meant to be and not what I would have liked them to be. I am loved. Even on days when I do not believe it. And so is everyone else. I am light. Even when I am the villain in people’s stories. I am honest, even when people think I lie. I am just me. In all of my complexities and weirdness and misunderstandings. And that is all I know how to be. I don’t know how to be anyone or anything else. I am worthy and enough – even when my soul is stripped naked and left bare.

Past

my past is my past

and I do not apologize for one single second of the loves and losses I have faced

so if you come here in the mad hope that you will find me curled up in a ball, lamenting over the things and people I have lost,

turn back now

I always burned too bright for those who did not have the courage to run their fingers through my soul and stay

Warm summer nights make us believe that not all things are lost and sunsets give hope that though things may end, the sunrise brings the comfort of new beginnings.

That finding yourself in the waves – messy hair and sun-kissed skin – you smile at some silly hope that there is only one thing left to hold on to…

each other.

Thoughts

 

You will find, when you are rediscovering the lost portions of your soul, that it is necessary, no, actually quite vital to your wellbeing, to tell people who take advantage of you, who hurt you, people whose intentions are not true… it is necessary to tell them to leave your life. Now, whether you do this like a raging storm or a calm breeze – that is always up to you. You are allowed to distance yourself from people who are not in line with you. You are allowed to tell people that the way in which they are “loving” you is not healthy for you. This is your life. You are allowed to live it in any way you see fit. If you are not purposefully hurting people – I mean, yes, we all hurt others on our way to self discovery – if you are trying to live your life with a grace and ease and as much compassion as you can muster, something that that you have not known before – you are allowed to lose people who are not supposed to be a part of that journey.

It is called growing. It is called allowing yourself to be drawn to the people you need, those who bring out the Queen (or King) in you. Your vibe attracts your tribe. Your vibe announces you before you even speak or introduce yourself to people. If you are left feeling drained, emotionally spent, overdone when you are surrounded by certain people, those are not your people. Your people are the one’s who leave you feeling at peace. They leave you feeling energized and like you are capable of doing anything, being anything. If you are surrounding yourself with people who do not reflect the kind of human you want to be – you always have a choice to change your surroundings. And those people will not like it. Because they are expecting you to fit into the box they have created for you. Fuck them. Be who you are and allow yourself to do what is right for you. It’s not selfish. It’s the ability to love yourself enough to listen to what your intuition tells you. Don’t deny yourself a wonderful, peaceful life just because people are not comfortable with you telling them that they no longer have a space in it. Most people don’t know that they are bad for others.