I was thinking about certain things today and how so much has changed over the years. How I am not the person I was once. I am in no way saying that is a bad thing. I am proud of the woman I have become. I have been through a lot, just like everyone else has. But where I once was quiet about certain things, I am no longer quiet. I do not feel that it does anyone any good to remain quiet and let people walk all over us or make us feel bad about ourselves. I know I have been this person for others. I am not blind to that fact – I am hyper self-aware of who I am, what I have done. But all of those things do not make me a bad person. I learned a lot from the mistakes I have made; with allowing people to hurt me and take advantage of me. This isn’t just about that onethat I have written about in the past, but with supposed friends as well. People are incredibly selfish. Myself included.

There are times, not as often these days and on very rare occasions when it comes up and I am paralyzed by it, when I wish things would have been different. I wish that I could go back and change things. Had I known everything that I know now, maybe I wouldn’t have spent all that time on someone who never truly valued me or saw me as a human being. But then again, sometimes I want to go back, just to feel that feeling one more time. Not the bad feelings, but the very few good ones. Then I think, you know what, I don’t need to do that. It’s kind of a morbid thing, isn’t it. To replay old memories like a slide show in your mind. Only to realize that not only is the end unhappy, but it makes you mad all over again.

And that’s when I realized that I needed to forgive myself. Forgive myself for not only the things that I allowed to happen, forgive myself for lying to myself, but also forgive myself for the countless mistakes I have made along the way. Because to keep replaying those, I just keep punishing myself for things that have already happened. What’s done is done and I cannot undo it. Like I have written before on another blog, just because ONE person did not love me, that does not mean that I am unlovable or worth fighting for or worth truly knowing.

I think it takes a lot of time to truly get to know someone. I, myself, find out new things about who I am and what I am capable of every single day. I think you just have to know that you are worth knowing and worth finding and keeping. It takes a lot to get to that point, and there are some days that I still struggle with that.

Life is what you make of it, you know? I used to think that I was more interesting if I was somehow damaged or broken. That’s so stupid. So stupid. Yes, the things I have gone through have been instrumental to my growth, and have taught me many valuable and worthwhile lessons. But the idea that I am broken, is ridiculous. Yes, I have been hurt, as we all have. Yes, I have put those broken pieces back together differently. But that’s how it is supposed to be, right? You put those pieces together so that a new you rises and emerges from the flames. Not to make you bitter, possibly to make you better. More like, to make you the most authentic version of yourself. Because when you have gone through a lot, when your soul has been stripped naked and left bare – the vulnerability makes you human. Your mistakes make you human. It means that you have lived. You have loved. I do not regret loving the people I have loved. Because honestly, I loved them with everything I had. I regret that it took me too long to realize that I deserved to be loved and appreciated right back. That I deserved the love that I was giving. Again, it’s still a weird notion to me. I am used to things being far more difficult than they need to be. But my goodness am I learning. Learning to let go. Learning to love myself enough to forgive myself. Learning to let situations be what they were meant to be and not what I would have liked them to be. I am loved. Even on days when I do not believe it. And so is everyone else. I am light. Even when I am the villain in people’s stories. I am honest, even when people think I lie. I am just me. In all of my complexities and weirdness and misunderstandings. And that is all I know how to be. I don’t know how to be anyone or anything else. I am worthy and enough – even when my soul is stripped naked and left bare.

Warm summer nights make us believe that not all things are lost and sunsets give hope that though things may end, the sunrise brings the comfort of new beginnings.

That finding yourself in the waves – messy hair and sun-kissed skin – you smile at some silly hope that there is only one thing left to hold on to…

each other.

This is for Me!

This is for the breaths I have yet to take, for the memories I have yet to unfold, for dreams I have yet to discover. This is for the struggles I have faced in the past, for which I will part ways with comradeship for they gave bruises to my knees and made me realize that falling down does not mean it’s the end. This is for my passions and strength, seemingly lost beneath the shadows of myself. This is for the sunshine in my laughter, the constellations in my eyes, the flowers beneath my skin, and the moon in my heart. This is for me. This is for who I was. This is for who I can be. This is for who I’ve become. This is for who I want to be, not who you want me to be.

She Let Go – a Poem by Rev. Safire Rose

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

There is no right way to breathe – you just let go

There is no right way to breathe – you just let go

 

I always had that idea that because of certain situations in my life, I was broken and I learned to accept this idea. But maybe, maybe I’m not broken. And that is such an interesting revelation for me. Maybe it just came down to being broken hearted and holding onto that pain of being broken hearted, which lead me to believe that I was broken. I am gently learning to have a bit more compassion for myself. I’ve always been (somewhat) good at showing it to others – even when they cannot see that. I beat myself up over situations that really weren’t my fault. I take on people’s pain because, well, that’s just what I have done. I took on their mistakes and blamed myself… “had they not met me, this or that may not have happened.” I know, that sounds ridiculous and it seems that I give myself more power than I deserve. But that’s just how I have felt. And here’s another thing I am learning – what other people do, other people’s mistakes are their own doing, they are not because of me, they are not my fault. Only I am responsible for the things I have done. And to be honest, I have made a lot of mistakes. I have gotten involved with things that were none of my business because, well, because it even though it was hard to hear what was going on, I felt like I needed to defend my honor and tell my truth. That’s what we do, right? We do our best to tell our truths. Your (whoever you are, now) truth is not my truth, just like my truth is not your truth. We all see the world and the people in it differently and we all have experiences that have shaped and changed us into the people we are today. Some of those people have been friends, romantic relationships. Some of those people are people we should have never been involved with or attached to in the first place. But they all teach us something, don’t they? The universe sends us people on purpose. And they will keep sending the same people (or not) or the same lessons over and over again until we have finally passed that test. Believe me, I have been sent the same test over and over and over again and I have failed just as many times. It’s still a learning curve for me. It’s still a day to day process to love myself enough to say and fuck, believe, “this is what I deserve.” I am a passionate person and some people mistake that for brokenness or being naive. I am who I am. And I cannot hate the experiences that have shaped me into the woman I am today. I am not perfect. Not by a long shot and I had long given up the idea that I need to be perfect. I do not have a heart of gold. I do not think anyone does. I think that’s a very dangerous analogy for anyone. Because it does not allow room to make mistakes. And then when people keep telling you that you have this heart of gold and you disappoint them, what then? What are you left with? You feel you have let them down. And then in turn you feel that you let yourself down.

I guess, what I am saying is this… it’s okay to walk away from people who are not helping you grow, or loving you enough (or at all). You are allowed to change your mind and live and love in your truth. We get this one life, and I choose to live it believing that letting go and making way for something more, something better, something just much much more, is always on the horizon. You are not inclined to be the same person you were yesterday.

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